this morning I woke up and I ate coffee
but that wasn’t really food so I ate
three small potatoes.
I drove on a long highway
and thought about eating but I didn’t.
then I went home and I ate
an entire order of breadsticks
which sounds very enjoyable but it wasn’t
because I thought about every single breadstick
while I ate.
not in a cherishing sort of way but in a dreading sort of way
and I thought about the bread inside of my body
and I quickly thought about how happy I was to not be gluten free
and then I thought for a long time about my dad
and how he would comment on my weight
when I would help myself to seconds
and I thought about when I stopped helping myself to seconds
because I didn’t want my weight to be commented on anymore
then I thought about when I was on Zoloft
and how I didn’t eat anything for three days except for an apple.
I had never enjoyed food so much in my life
I had never hated food so much in my life
